i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.
There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.
He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.
If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?
Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me
last night a police horse bit me when i was wasted. even the animal kingdom knows i'm no good
It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.
People shouldn't leave you two alone together. You're just going to end up having sex.
Just saw the trailer for Spike Lee's version of Oldboy. They filmed a lot of it in A's building so like every scene features a place where I had or almost had sex. If oral counts then pretty much every scene.
sorry there isn't a 'perfect ass' emoji
Yeah I'm just gonna shower and drink a gallon of coffee and drunkenly write my research paper. It'll be fine
1) break up with him. 2) feel bad. 3) fuck some other guy. 4) feel better. Boom! Life plan. You're welcome.
She walked up to me and whispered "I hope you're good at sex" and led me to the beach.
Randomize
