just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked
I wish you were here to vomit in your hand.
picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.
He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.
He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.
If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.
That's science, my friend. Boner science.
Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?
Naw. I'm tired and I'd have to shave my legs. I doubt the sex or the company would be worth it.
Just found the measuring tape in my bathroom. How drunk could I have possibly been on Saturday?!
My neighbor is burning all of her ex's things in a metal drum outside the window. Guess who's going to make a new friend?
If you send me another picture of a donut on your penis while I'm at work, I may have to slap you With the donut.
So, Kevin dropping me off at urgent care. Seems my tampon slipped out of reach. Even after he tried to get it out with some kitchen tongs.
he's trapped himself under a bed and is screaming at a robot dog to give him a blowjob
there are LEGIT cum stains on my ceilling. ON THE CEILLING!! you tell me how the relationship was.
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