I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
if you could put a roof over IU campus it would be the biggest whorehouse in the nation
Only your vagina holds the key to what happened last night.
A 12 year old Canadian kid said I was a pussy for only buying a 28-pack. I fit in better in this country.
FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.
Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.
They actually said and I quote "it definitely looks like your knees went through some over usage"
I'm to the point that I've had the revelation that its physically impossible for my arms to be attached to my torso.
I told him not to mix beer with his Dr. Pepper...his reply was "i'm a grown ass man i'll do what i want". Judging by the sounds coming out of the bathroom he regrets not listening to me.
Last night I was just holding this kitten up to my face for like ten minutes telling it that it couldn't be real
That's one good thing about being an only child. I can masturbate wherever the fuck I want
So I'm never gonna get to see you again?
Hopefully.
All I remember thinking is, why the fuck are there martians on the ceiling? And they were riding fruit. Like strawberries and shit.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Did we go to Florida? My missing thong and DL just arrived in the mail. Return address was Tampa.
Randomize
