So we've decided on 'hamburger' as your code for tonight. If you add ketchup or fries, we know the threat level has escalated.
shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?
Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea
That's why Kanye is a gay fish.
I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.
Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first
I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.
He turned off the music when i walked in and introduced me to everyone. then they gave me jager and made me chug it while holding a giant purple dildo. everything resumed when i finished
How many tongue depressors should I need to steal from urgent care to make samurai armor?
I told him I tried to eat a stranger's sandwich while I was drunk. Mildly disappointed but he realizes he has me for a kid.
He literally took a shit in my bathroom and then broke up with me.
Like I cant decide if he's like autistic or something or just seriously cock blocks himself on purpose with this shit
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
I made out with a guy dressed as the pdx airport carpet.
Portlandia didn't prepare you for that?
You peed in the sink and kept shouting "I'm the black swan! Ca-caw!"
Randomize
