Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC
Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.
I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff
maybe touching the ground while going 70 wasn't such a great idea after all..
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
Dude, I think my check liver light just came on
I dk what to do with this kid he is like legitimately interested in my life.
I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.
seriously when did my vagina become a soup kitchen for the poor
The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.
You crowd surfed from beer pong into the bathroom where you spent the rest of the night, also I have your wallet
that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.
I'd be 10x more excited if going out didn't require pants or the general giving of fucks
Nothing says I'm committed to you for all eternity like letting him wear crocs to the wedding
Welp. June's off to a great start. I just ripped my pants, completely sober, at 10:30 p.m.
I'm going to make you a sign to put on your penis to ward others off
Randomize
