made out with the bouncer to distract him from how illegitimate my fake id is.
The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"
I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.
i was gonna fuck her but then she started eatin sushi from her purse. i really need to raise my standards
who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?
He scratched off my spray tan. Literal nail marks down my back. Can't imagine what's underneath his fingernails.
I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.
I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library
It sounds like I am drunk, but I am not. I just have a concussion.
They filled a kiddie pool with lube and glitter.
if i ever get to the point where i am moaning when i pee, please do the honorable thing and kill me.
Just had a smooth transition from sexting to buffalo chicken dip 😂😂😂
Your skills amaze me
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
It’s gonna be hard being interviewed by this girl without remembering the time she showed me her nipple piercings at Dylan’s party
Considering I drank for you last night, do you mind picking up your half of the hangover
Randomize
