I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
it sucked. he totally couldn't get it up. blamed it on never having cheated b4. Couldn't stop laughing. fuck.
The only thing i was looking forward to on 4th of july was the google logo and they let me down. That and beer, lots and lots of beer
I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.
Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?
Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.
Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.
Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....
I feel as bad as you right now. I'm about to use one girls car to go see another one
Fuck ya. But normally I drove one girls car picking up a different girl while texting another girl lol
I can't tell if my bong is gender-neutral or not
he had shaved armpits. I repeat: HE SHAVED. HIS. ARMPITS! First hookup of 2014 and it's with a weirdo. Alcohol:1 Me:0
So, Cheetos don't microwave great.
Not really how I planned to achieve immortality, but I'll take it.
This wine tastes amazing. It's like a fermented hug.
I'm in the Sheetz parking lot waiting for dad to finish a drug deal.
I fucked her on her ex's Yankee sheets while she was wearing an Ortiz jersey...of course she gets to meet my mother
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