last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks
this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed
he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?
messed up. what color are the wings?
I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?
God. I'm so broke I don't even have a dollar to snort my adderall through.
i was so drunk that there were 2 of her, and i didn't know which one to fuck
i had a headache and asked the kid next to me for aspirin. he gave me esctacy instead. gotta love college.
We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.
Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light
They kept trying to slap each other but they were poring beer onto their hands first referring to it as their baby powder
We're at the hospital. She got a head rush and fell and now blood everywhere. Smoke the rest, just save her a bowl
Sorry I can't go bowling with you guys. I'm getting daytime dick. That's the best kind.
You don't know how emotionally damaged I am from crashing into that park maintenance van. I'll never ride a bike because of it.
Sounds like she has 4 first names. Like a sad version of Ricky bobby
I told my manager I was trying to conserve my energy for date night/Sexual Olympics later. That's legit for another break, right?
I just want to drink bourbon and have sex and then eat like, a Christmas cookie.
if people come over to pregame will you hide my Oreos
Randomize
