Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.
Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.
I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.
I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...
Halloween night fail: My boob sweat from keeping my phone in my bra caused the front screen to stop working from water damage.
Sorry I couldn't make it...got a scrambled voicemail, all I heard was "Bring the dildo"
Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.
No. Every time we go there, you end up getting high, then lost, then going home with strangers.
Discovery: there is a folder in my pictures labeled "Your Name and cats"
That amount of times your family has seen my boobs is getting ridiculous.
oh my god you are days, if not hours away from a dick pic. This is the day the lord has made rejoice and be glad in it
Last night a drunk chick tried to lick me. If you are trying to lick the zombies, you are too drunk for the haunted house.
i woke up to a text from someone I put in my phone last night as "Giant Penis"
what did G.P. say?
oddly enough it was a dick pic
My toothbrush tastes like captain morgan
I'm jealous
Are you hungover?
No. I'm hiding under my covers and hoping it doesn't find me.
Randomize
