The bar is filled with bros right now. Sucks I had to pay $5 to find that out.
My niece just called my sister in law a teabagger. I love NPR and it's corrupting influence on small children
Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?
someone needs to get her out of the garbage can shes never gonna forgive us for this
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.
Go her
Some guy walked in while I was taking a piss and asked me if I knew of a back way out of the bar. He looked pretty freaked out.
It's not even close to Halloween but there is a girl in a nurses outfit. Twerk or twat.
I traded my pants for a Santa hat last night and it was so worth it.
Good. Go forth, young stallion. Destroy the vaginal region with your tidy crotch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
Pretty sure this ice cream truck is following me.
She just kept roaring and saying Katy Perry had nothing on her. Wtf did she take?
Typical Sunday morning text...are you alive?
We are never doing shots of gin. Never again.
I'm pretty sure that's exactly what we're doing.
Randomize
