Have you ever seen a 300 pound pregnant lady's boob fall out of her shirt cuz she's not wearing a bra? I have.
how do we leave politely?
Tell them I'm going into labor. I will spill a beer and tell them m water broke.
If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.
I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.
Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.
I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.
Does it taste like semen?
But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"
They're having lesbian sex while I play super mario world. I hope they like the music
Strip clubs just aren't as fun when a man tries to drunkenly grind on you.
Eredayimstrugglin ..Can we talk about the fact that I just typed "er" and it autocorrected to that. Fuck my life.
Like the fear of satan was put into my heart when I saw him put that sandwich on the WOODEN BENCH
Today some guy at work told me I had the nicest hair he's ever seen and my response was "thanks I grew it myself". This is why I'm single.
my gynecologist gave me a high 5 for not getting any STD's since my last visit and said "Way to go Annabeth!" you have twenty seconds to get to my level
I woke up only wearing a Breaking Bad "Los Pollos Hermanos" apron he got from Loot Crate next to a 3 empty bottles of Zima,Jolly Ranchers, and a jar of coconut oil. Fernet is one hell of a party starter
You need to stop leading guys on at bars - you're a lesbian.
And now I'm a lesbian with better self-esteem.
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