you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.
i just spent an hour trying to convince my blind date that star wars is better than star trek. help me
If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???
Brought a cooler and a case to a parade. I'm getting dirty looks since it's 10:30. Telling people it's for the troops.
Woke up on a mattress on a roof this morning with a pair of briefs next to me. Oh fleet week.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
did you come by the house last night? I found a half eaten corn dog in the mail box.. I just figured you were drunk and needed somewhere to crash, but your no where to be found. I'll I have is this corn dog. call me when you get this. I'm worried! --mom
And noooow we're smoking a ton of REALLY strong weed and THIS IS THE SOFTEST CAT EVER
Bitch are you kidding? 2016 is gonna be the year our pussies run for president
Dude \nSo embarrassed \nJust sent a snap to my boss john and noticed my vibrator was right beside me
Im playing a game I have to take a drink every time my gram asks me the same question hammered by 4 guaranteed
I didn't know it was possible and I don't know if I'll ever be able to do it again on my own but he literally fuck me sideways.
If he moved really quickly from "hi I've had a crush on you for years" to "send nudes" you probably were used.
Randomize
