Jesus wouldn't steal pop tarts. So why did you?
I need a sticker that says "It's no use hitting on me - I'm the plus one" Seriously, how do they think I got in in the 1st place?
Can you return condoms to CVS?
Only if you return your pride as well.
After they won there was a guy outside Magee Hospital yelling "name your kid Sidney"... that guy may or may not have been me.
I ate a lot of your sunchips. I mean a lot. Like 4 to 5 bags.
I need a leash, or some shame. Maybe.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry
Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302
Exactly. Some of us want to get married. And some of us want to wear sombreros and do cocaine. To each their own.
Last night you told me you "were too high" and didn't deserve a hashbrown.
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.
Sexy intern needs to have caveman sex with me
Do not take the D yet, he needs to be worth it. Your Vagina is GOLD.
He stopped me mid-blow job to say that his new year's resolution was to stop hooking up. MID FUCKING BLOW JOB.
Randomize
