Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.
I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.
It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.
Posting happy birthday to my grandpa on Facebook.... Then realizing my profile pic is me dressed as a slutty cop when he used to be a police officer.
I think we can all agree that the size of her boobs, combined with beer, is destroying my ability to judge looks.
From one hot mess to another... Get it together.
i still can't believe he got laid by going to the bar and handing out "cuddle buddy" application forms
Wanna know what sucks. Banging the bosses daughter at work and having the boss walk in while you are fucking on his desk. Good day though. Made 6 sales
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
I heard you ran into my sister lastnight. Do you remember making out with her and slapping my uncle?
If people had ratings on Tinder I'd give you 5 out of 5 stars.
One minute we're singing Wagon Wheel, and the next you're belly dancing in a trash bag on the beer pong table
Baby Shark came on during sex.
She has BABY SHARK on her sex playlist. Who does that?
When you puked on me I said to you "we will just say that you threw some mostacholi at me"
He’s only in town today and our afternoon sex sesh kept getting interrupted by the neighbor’s kid yelling and screaming in the pool
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