I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.
sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!
my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.
Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.
We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"
Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!
I'm pretty sure I just discovered what the American Dream is said the person eating a hotdog for breakfast in bed in her underwear
The neighbors outside are screaming at one another about God knows what and everyone is too scared to go outside and we NEEd more beer
At the ER, will you come pick me up... Had an allergic reaction, wanted to see if I could eat a peanut without dying... Do you how bad this is evolutionary, I would have died back in the days of survival of the fitest by now
you left the hospital looking like the grudge, your mom and I were pushing you in a wheel chair and you yelled peace out fuckers.
It looks like I colored my belly button red at some point
Why am I cleaning the house twerking to anaconda wearing a bears jersey and helmet?
And thanks! There are perks to polyamory. And birthday orgies are one of them
I sign my lease Thursday, I'm about to be released back into the wild.
I'll make missing person signs.
You're a good friend.
you know my pussy doesn't know between good and evil
Randomize
