my dad just beat the shit out of me cuz i blew my nose on one of my dirty t shirts and he saw it and thought it was cum.
You know you're wathing too much reality TV when you start adding commentary to every day life.
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.
Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life
I just woke up with a bunch of French fries in my hand and a chocolate shake balancing on my pillow. Lovely.
It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.
I just kept screaming "I'm fucking a preacher's son!" Also, this water tastes like weed.
He stopped mid-sex to read the subtitles on a Korean movie we had playing in the background.
I'm home, and it turns out she didn't get it all. still picking Oreos out of my pubes.
You slapped my ass and yelled "HOOTY TOOTY WHAT A BOOTY" in a Schwarzenegger voice
You know how I said I hit my head so hard I saw two of him and tried to make out with both? Well, it turns out he has a twin.
1. so the new neighbor u called dibs on.. I'm sorry..but not really. 2. She lactates, I guess that happens when you have a kid less then 5 months ago.... WTF!! 3. Is it fucked up I'm craving Ceral & Milk now?
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
You’ve seen my tits of course he broke his wedding vows
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