Yup u can hook up with me now and not goto jail
Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.
my entire walk over here no one looked in my eyes. Period Boobs are BAACKKK.
is cock-oriented a word? I'd say I'm that lately.
I woke up to an email from Groupon for 3 laser lipo treatments...on Valentine's Day...way to kick me when I'm down Groupon.
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
Remind me again why a vodka watermelon can't be a thanksgiving dish
It happened again.
What?
I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.
He sent me a pic of her engagement ring and then STILL asked for nudes.
It turns out my English teacher used to pose for Playboy. She's an inspiration.
I really should have gone with the man who kept offering me cocaine. Why did I chose the German!? STUPID!
It's okay that we broke up and all but it's not okay that he still has my Chick-fil-A calendar card. This month is free fries!
So you're willing to shred any respect that you had for your body on some random chick who's only looking for sex? That's the worst thing I've ever heard.
I mean, it won't be 100% meaningless, I know her middle name.
just saw two mice fucking on our bed...i think its time to find a new place to live
Don’t be alarmed my pee bowl is in your shower
Randomize
