did i leave my keys in your car? BTW: sorry for throwing that drink on your date.
I don't remember her name, but I do remember yelling at her from the balcony of the hotel room during her walk of shame.
i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.
This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.
I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.
I just found my coat check number in my underwear.
He tried to eat me out in the bath... I said it was a bad idea, but he said it was good snorkelling practice for vaca.
So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with
Isn't life beautiful?
I just found out that my husband and I are Eskimo siblings. What in the actual fuck?!
Would you please stop exposing your tits on my couch?
Fuck you, my tits are fabulous
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
I just saw a woman give her infant whiskey tits. About ten minutes ago she was doing shots, and now she's breast feeding. Whiskey. Tits.
He let me share his family pack of hot pockets with him. Chivalry isn't dead after all.
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
I just caught my bangs on fire trying to lite a bowl while driving. Thank god it wasn't my eyebrows like last time.
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