God. I look like such a fucking stand up guy wearing polo shirts. You would totally trust me not to date rape you.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
why do guys feel they can ask questions when im blowing them? you'd think they'd know my answer will always be "mmhmhmhmmm"
It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment
My only regret is not throwing up on the conveyor belt in the dining hall
She took a crow from her moms Halloween decorations, taped it to her shoulder, went to the bar and made the guys buy a drinks for both her and the crow.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
my roommate made out with a guy wearing a squirrel costume, equipped with a blow up tail. time to start harvesting nuts for the winter
Dude you of all people would miss her giving him a handjob in front of the whole party
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
Also, don't forget your plan to die young at a shrooms-fueled orgy.
Wake up. Eat bread. Find your dignity. Don't be late for work again.
you are singlehandedly the most cursed object the universe ever conceived
He was trying to break into my apartment to get the coke he left last night, didn't engage parking break, so the van started rolling. yup, it's broken.
Did I turn a man straight...??
Yes!
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