She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.
Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.
There was a bottle of vodka and chips in a vase next to the bed
Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?
Somehow those two combined like captain planet and shit went haywire
I made my own utility belt like Batman. It has a cup holder for my beer, cell phone holder, a little pocket for condoms, and a sewing kit just in case.
According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.
Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM
Are you awake? Because I would like to know whether or not I should refrain from giving my evil laugh when I enter the apartment...
He's like all my past boyfriends wrapped up into one fuck up. It's enjoyable to watch.
I hope you have irresponsible drunk insurance because you're about to pay a deductible
so i realized that he's only my physical relationship and beer is my emotional relationship...
we f'd six times
f'd?
its sunday, i cant say fucked
no fucks will be given and no pants will be worn
i'll bring the vodka
ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME! I SAID I WANTED SOMEONE CLASSY AND INSTEAD YOU SET ME UP WITH A GUY THAT JUST TOLD ME HIS FAVORITE PLACE TO FUCK IS ON HIS SWAMPBOAT “THE SLAMHOG!”
I DON’T WANT TO FUCK IN A SWAMP
First of all, his AIR boat is named “Slam Hog” not “The Slamhog.” Second, it’s top of the line. Third, don’t dismiss swamp sex before you try it!
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