I miss having pregnancy scares ....at least i knew i was having a good time
My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.
Why?
Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.
Hhahaha he is. Omg the new polish friend just took his pants off in front of me. There is something wrong with this nationality.
I found her in the trunk, smoking a cigarette, saying every girl should know how to get out of their trunk
I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah
A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!
I think I met somebody from your birthday this past weekend. He said I held a push up contest outside the bar and told them I would make out with the winner. He said he won..
Should I go sleeveless of strapless?
Hmmm, it doesn't matter. You're gonna be topless by the end of it.
I just need like a magic vacuum to suck everything out of me and then an IV to put good stuff back in
We are no longer allowed to have pre 4th party week. I woke up with a donut stuck to my face and 'MILF' written in black marker on my stomach.
Mother of the Year
Hi I am too sober and out of rum. Translation: I owe you some beer. Also, get better taste in beer.
i woke up inside a girl that i promised i would take on a date to Chili's
Sitting across the table from one of my high school teachers who hasn't seen me since I was about 16 drinking a beer wearing a leotard
If he knew how badly I want to blow him he’d stop talking about his wife
I’ve basically been controlling him with my tits for months now, so I can’t even imagine what would happen if I start banging him
Randomize
