Somewhere in this world my second husband is in 9th grade.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it
youre the best friend ever
Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card
I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
FONT CPME TO THE TRUK. I REPATE SONT COME TO THE TRUCK WERE GETTON FRAEKY
I just find it funny that nobody ever threatens to call the cops on us until we have a Harry Potter party
Packing a mid day bowl in the Sonic parking lot. Have I gone too stoner?
I would pay to watch a Bravo special of you getting Botox.
well when I said that I would ride his face until he ran out of oxygen, that's when I knew I shouldn't be around beautiful people anymore.
We walked 3 miles to the strip club. Stopped for roadies, it wasn't that bad.
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
I’ve gone two rounds already this morning and I’m ready for a third. The moon is in the house of sluticus hornius.
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