giving a blow job on a jetski isn't as easy as it sounds.
I just put anything in between my legs and hope for the best.
Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
Just because your phone has a case on it doesn't mean it will survive a 5 story drop out the window.
I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.
We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.
We were all drunk for the whole flight. Steve doesn't even remember the cab ride to the airport. At 6am. Says he "blacked back in" at security.
Well, I looked over and you and him were each making out with a fireman. And then you switched. And you probably spent an hour like that.
It might have taken me 30 minutes but I finally finished the toast I made. That hungover.
I just accidentally showed an old lady a pic of my penis while showing her cat pics. So how's your day going?
...is this motivational speaking, or sexting? It's getting hard to tell.
you asked the cab driver if he wanted to meet your parents, last night.
highlight of my day: hitchhiking a ride with random locals. tried to make conversation, asked what they do. driver says "you clearly don't recognize me." turns out i have had sex with him and forgot.
You are officially qualified to graduate from college.
Randomize
