Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)
think i got pink eye from a stripper in vegas. showgirls did not prepare me adequately for this. be kind, 2010.
I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.
you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier
I'm pricing out a roll of that wax butcher paper. We fuck too messy and I can't afford to wash them every afternoon.
trust me, you don't know shame until you're in a peacock costume getting CPR by random dudes
The airport has the best people watching and munches... It should be a destination drinking location
note to self: do not snort crushed up caffeine pills in the bathroom by yourself when ur super shit faced, ur face will fucking hate you in the morning.
i convinced him to be a french maid for halloween. he has no idea what he's in for. i just ordered the breast forms.
Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.
One of my interns found me on Grindr. I'm really gonna make him earn the absurd amount of money I pay him.
How much weight does it take to launch a cat using a trebuchet vs the tension required for a catapult?
plus like he's kinda a piece of shit. a beautiful somewhat talented piece of shit that hella needs to get his life together
Try to fuck my roomie AND steal my slippers: you are no longer my favorite cousin.
The blonde cop looked at my license and told me I better have be home when her shift ends
I hate you
Randomize
