I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it
Received a verbal warning at work for "riding in a trash receptacle, violating professionalism & infection control."
The hot guy sitting next to me in the lib is reading a book called "Impersonal sex in public places." How wrong would it be to give him my number when I bounce?
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Maybe next year when I'm 30 I will be over puking at lunch on Fridays. Maybe
Still no second date. Guess you shouldn't show guys your taser on the first date.
He said the pain stops when I get my shit together and stop being a drugged out alcoholic mess. Could have just said no.
my ass is still wet. this is highly unpleasant. give me 5 to get changed and I'm all yours. or you can yell things to me while I shower and burn clothes
It's a little hazey but I think I tried to request Nelly last night. There was no dj. Not sure who I was talking to
I have a txt file I don't remember making open on my desktop. All it says is "what it's like to be a bat"
Guess who's now on the no-fly list? If you guessed me, you'd be right.
His dick is curly. It's adorable.
I'm eating dinner with his parents and my phone goes "MOVE BITCH GET OUT THE WAY!" Thanks.
Randomize
