Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...
Didn't you just get a DUI last week?
Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it
She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!
I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up
Then I received a text in French, that roughly translated to "all you'll ever be good for is sex on the Internet"
just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.
He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of
She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock
I wiped my mouth this morning with a pine tree branch after I threw up on the side of the road. Tis the season
He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid
I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.
The Blue Grotto manager called. He asked me for your name and number. Apparently, on reviewing the videotape he noticed you consumed a whole pizza by yourself. He indicated that he has a tshirt for you and wants to put your picture on his eating wall of fame. Apparently, you are the first such person to complete this incredible feat of eating. Congratulations to you!! I am so proud.
Yeah I don't remember how I got home last night
Judging from my pants, I embarrassed myself smh
I think we have it figured out.. She's my wife when she's here and gives me advise on how to get ass when she's 1500 miles away.
You're up at 3AM, right? I have a very important question.
You know the Wendy's on route 6, by Kohls? Do you know if it has a drive through?
Yes it does.
just turned another straight guy gay. Goddamn the church must hate me
Randomize
