we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'
Most the numbers in my phone are mistakes. It's a virtual graveyard of people I should never pick up for.
I don't even have to turn the heat on in my car. Just fart the whole way home.
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.
It's like the whiskey god was watching over you
Oh you know, we just bobbed for apples in a bucket full of jungle juice. So, a casual Tuesday night.
I put chex mix in your purse for when you get hungry while doing your walk of shame tomorrow!
A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
There's nothing like when u really click with a stripper
I can get something to clone your cock for $40. It's worth it. It's my birthday present to myself.
OMG I CAN GET A GLOW-IN-THE-DARK ONE
Some guy at the bar last night bought us Arrowhead water and I was so drunk, it tasted good
Randomize
