what do you mean I googled how to give an awesome blow job?
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
Ya know, I lied. I wouldn't mess with him. Not because of the crazy/rehab issues... but because he wears tank-tops.
Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart
just found gum connecting my sunglasses to my floor board. you don't want to know where else it was.
This is part your fault too. Don't tell me your dishes are unbreakable and not expect me to prove you wrong.
Crashed the mayor's bday party, no list for some reason. Wore suits. Ludacris was there.
Her boyfriend was hitting on other girls while drunk. But, she said she was okay with it because she is a feminist and she supports all women's decisions.
i'm exhausted. do you know how hard it is to put together an outfit that is professional enough to secure a babysitting job yet slutty enough to let him know i'm down for sex during naptime?
Dude you filled up a protein shake mixer with White Russians so you didn't have to keep coming upstairs.
So how exactly do I backtrack from motorboating and ass grabbing?
It's like fucking tetris in this bed
Oh my god I'm in a public bathroom with a space heater. I never want to leave
He fired me, I fucked his wife, we're even I think...
Girl. There is no more toilet paper. You should have seen the twerking I just did to shake the pee off.
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