i don't know whats more disturbing, that his dog drooled directly into my mouth or that i was too drunk and tired to do anything except let it be there.
I dumped him because he's never seen star wars. I'm certain I did the right thing.
I wonder what it would be like to masturbate in space
I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge
Aaaaand I just watched him face plant in front of the taxi. This is why we don't invite him to margarita night.
I couldn't figure out her damn button fly jeans... IM NOT A FUCKING ENGINEER
Also, I've found a new way to get drunk at work for free. Everytime I make a bushwhacker and there's extra... I put it in a cup. Its the Never ending drink.
He put my hand on his penis and said welcome home.
Sorry you had to clean the sheets with your macro notes
Tomorrow's Mother's Day and the only thing I can afford is beer and the McDonalds dollar menu. Do you think a Budweiser and a Big Mac says thank you for me fucking up your life since 1990?
But don't thank me for faking being asleep, if I was the real wing man, I would have left the bed
Do you ever get a cramp in like, ONE labia?
Tbh.. I hope he still watches our sex tapes so he can be reminded of what he's missing out
Have you ever thought, hey maybe the reason we were togather that long was because I was drunk the whole relationship?
I need more 20 something year old penis in my life
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