how do you have sooo much energy?
billy mays threw in a lil somethin extra when i ordered some oxiclean last week
what if every blade of grass was a penis?
Why are all the lights on in my house? Every single one. Someone should turn them off but I'm the only one here and I'm sure as hell not doin it.
Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.
There are too many people and smells in this elevator for my hangover to handle.
You know this who 'I show my love by being a total dick' thing is getting old, right?
You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me
i've created a new STD.
I have a spatula mark on my ass. He spanked me with a spatula. Take that Rachel Ray.
why does drunk me think that doing things like throwing up on my desk and all over my 15 page lab report is okay
Pray for me. I just had a sex dream about Debbie Wasserman-Schultz.
His parents then knew me as the blackout who took care of him and stole his watch
You're a wizard. You are a master of disguise. You are beautiful. I love you.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Did you get drunk between now and two texts ago?
Randomize
