Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.
He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."
He woke me up by trying to shove oreos in my mouth. im ready to go home now
Ryan Howard.... the only guy who struck out more than me this weekend
he peed everywhere. it's like having a puppy.
I have only been in this city 3 nights and there are already 4 bars I can never go back to again.
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.
So I saw her today...and it was weird...she is just like not pregnant anymore.
Dude...how high are you? of course she isnt pregnant anymore...thats what happens when you give birth
Call me something sexy & ethnic. Like jasmine. But mystical too. Like Mermaid Jasmine. And throw Glitter somewhere in there too.
ugh... fuck pirate breakfast. my head is like thirsty.
I woke up with my face covered in mustard. Your mom said I ate hotdogs like a pornstar
Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime
Normally roommates threatening each other with knives would be too much crazy for me, but I don't have much going on right now and I feel like this could get interesting. So I think I'm gonna ride this shit out for a while.
I hear my roommate snoring and I feel bad for his girlfriend but then I hear them having sex and I guess it all works out in the end.
We spent our last night together taking turns vomiting in the bathroom. I'd say it was a romantic trip.
Randomize
