Alarm just got pulled in my exam
Swear it wasn't me
I feel like death. And death is wearing a fleece blanket as a dress. And is seriously contemplating wearing this to go get something to eat.
There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.
Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.
so, give him that "thank you for fighting for my freedom bj" & he wont even remember what you said in that six min voice mail.
Walt said he was feeding me so I wouldn't die. that's why there was pasta in my room
You went home with a man in a loincloth
I just watched him leave in half a loincloth. Don't you just love Halloween???
Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Dude, please tell me you know why there's a naked chick asleep outside my room.
I'm going to avoid eye contact because my old high school English teacher is not who I feel like seeing after I just had a dick in my mouth
I just interrupted this girl giving a dude head in a parked car on the south side. Going down on your guy while you're parked in front of your house because you don't want your parents catching you is fine by me, just don't block the fire hydrant.
girls shouldnt black out with american flag bandaids on their nips
She dropped the call after she told me she doesn't want to hear about how loud he can scream.
Randomize
