it always starts out as a suggestion then three hours later I have cum in my eye.
just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.
The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.
Right when he gets off the plane they're going straight to a party where you're only allowed in with a bottle of whisky and they are given bullet proof vests.
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.
I have come to realize that my purpose in life is less musical and more as a filter of alcohol into water.
What bar did i puke in last night
by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on
And for those of you keeping score at home this is the 7th time I've found Casey passed out head first in a bowl of chips at a party I didn't even know she was at
We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.
He'd pee in it. And since it's PBR I'd have no idea
The joke is on me because whale penis is forever in my search history.
Worth it.
don't worry about my dad. he just hates you because you're liberal, not because we're fucking.
She puked in the bed, peed in the closet, and woke up on a Rubbermaid in the closet under the stair case
Let's just say, I'm pretty sure you're banned from Skype.... like, forever.
Randomize
