Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
can't decide if i want to get drunk or coked for this harry potter thing.. it is kind of long
aren't you going with children?
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
you know what its like when everyone is chanting "do it, do it"...still friends?
you know you've made it when it's your own pool table you're waking up on
God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.
Under someone's bed. Not sure whose. I think they're sleeping in it.
corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.
I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair
Apparently I've told this bouncer I stalk him on Instagram 3 times. I should stop drinking. I only remeber saying it tonight. early sign of Alzheimer's
Because everytime she talks to you she goes in her room and plays Come Sail Away on repeat. Can't take this shit anymore Jake
What type of condoms do you get ? Oh and do you want a slurpee while I'm here
Woke up to your boyfriend in my bed last night. What's that about?
Beer and Reeses. dinner of champions
I could be the Kenny Powers of Sex Therapists.
Randomize
