I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.
i just woke up to that girl in my doorway. I kid you not. Tan and lime green thong on. peeing on the carpet in the hallway. Then she collapsed. There is a load of towels in the wash. Just thought you should know when you wake up. Gross.
Mars, I'm going to name my child horatio mars. He will hate me till he gets high. Then he'll understand
I was cleaning up my drunken mess and I found my ID in a cereal box
She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.
I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"
For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.
He just remixed a spongebob song with 2 chainz..... Clearly I love him
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
hes that one kid that offered to spoon after staring at me for 5 minutes
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
I'm happy I peed in your laundry basket last night
There is a dude riding on one of those standing wheel things inside forever 21. Calm down.
Is it bad when I wake up sore & don't know if my injuries are from sex or the mechanical bull at the bar?
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Randomize
