My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow
The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.
GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES
Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.
I'm in this weird masturbatory haze making onion rings. If you want to come over we can eat these suckers and play TF2.
Why don't we hang out more often?
Dude. I might have just seen some porn i wasnt ready to see. The chicks were so old.
I was just like oh sorry I'm peeling meanwhile my legs are on either side of his head and I look like a fucking Komodo dragon
Just to let you know... If you ever want to get me a gift, the One Direction perfume comes out soon....... It's called Our Moment. It's an appropriate gift for a 25 year old woman.
We got a standing ovation as security was escorting us out of the ballpark, it was a proud moment
I probably won't go. Last time I got drunk with those guys I just started demanding people let me touch their beards.Then I mocked everyone who didn't have facial hair.
Just bought a dildo. Happy first time single in four years Valentine's Day to me
I'm taking a shower and i'm gonna bring my pocketknife with me
This drunk girl kept yelling for water so I dipped a cup in the toilet and gave it to her. She was thanking me all night.
Pornhub is actually a very wholesome website
I just watched two birds fight or fuck. It was crazy. Another bird was watching closer and I know that bird understood what was happening better than me.
Randomize
