apparently i walked up to the counter, put $30 worth of snacks next to this girl, and went 'uhh i have no money'
whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
soooo we both peed the bed last night...
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got
alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.
I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.
Why do I always miss the parties you're naked at?!
I get naked cuz your not there
A man just poked my foot with his crutches while I'm shitting. Is that how the disabled gays ask for a glory hole blow jay?
She gatecrashed the wedding and managed to get an invite to the open bar reception. Lucky bitch
I told him finishing at the same time would be a long-term project. Like flipping a house. A sexual house.
I ate pizza in bed, sans pants, and then carved a pumpkin. FUNCTIONING ADULT MOTHERFUCKERS!
so like
i may have gotten a little bit of blood in the charging port of my phone
I just had a 30-minute convo with an irrelevant fuckboy from college who decided to tell me FOUR years later he’s sorry for sleeping with 3 girls at once including me.
I love you so much and not just because your dick is perfect
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