you sent me 5 happy birthday texts last night. one after the other. spelled differently.
The walk of shame is so much worse when you've spent the night third wheeling.
Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina
the 3rd commandment: and god said, if you buy a handle.. you must finish it.
So I commented on one of his pictures "who do I have to give a full effort blow job to, to get the Ides of March movie poster behind you" he responded with a number that wasn't his. I still texted it. I love that movie.�
I vaguely remember hanging my bra off the ceiling fan and chugging a beer during sex
College has turned you into quite the multi tasker huh?
If I never see my landlord's dick again, it'll be too soon.
My drug dealer just made me weigh out my own weed because he was in the middle of taking his law enforcement final
There should be a Doritos delivery van or something.
Having to crawl on my hands and knees because I woke up with a mysterious broken foot this morning...
The hotel had a helipad. Of course we had sex on it.
So basically he is jobless, a potential serial killer, and has poor taste in music? We simply don't have time for that.
I fucked a marine... I told him it was like personal revenge and he said he could live with that and that he didn't mind being used.
the next morning his mother came in to tell me that she made breakfast. she told me to put my clothes on too. awkward.
Our baby is creepy.
That's how we know it's ours. haha
Randomize
