Tried to buy Xanax from my boss last night. Wrong Mike.
You remember that guy Joey? The pastors son that plays Jesus every year?
Yeah?
Stuck it in his pooper.
I know he gets bloody noses a lot...so that explains all the blood...but I'd say the condoms are definitely from a penis.
Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.
Is that you who's passed out on my treadmill?
i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.
STONER SAFETY TIP: don't use the driver's side vanity mirror to check how red your eyes are while you're driving. it won't work. trust me.
I think the worst part about being a real adult is 1)having a high stress job that makes me want to get stoned 2)paying for reefer using my own money 3)realizing my boyfriends children probably have more weed connections than I do anymore
Like your dick isn't Beyoncé, it doesn't get close ups
Have you ever seen death before? Bc it's me right now in yesterday's clothes.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
all I know is that I was naked, and there were cheeto puffs everywhere...
Bro, I live in a constant state of existential dread and moderate ennui. The prospect of cosmic horror doesn’t faze me that much.
He's making me do the dishes for the next month and half because I shit in the bath tub...
Oh and it’s been a year according to my snap chat memories since I banged your cousin in your sons truck pulled over on Elm St! 😂😂😂😬😳😇
Randomize
