what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?
dying kittens.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
My cousin just asked what abortion is. Happy Holidays.
We were sexting and then the radio announced robert pattinson would be playing kurt cobain in a movie and it totally killed the mood
I found him crying and drunk, in my closet holding a picture of Tyler Perry. He managed to say"he's just so many people"
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
Out of all the people in the house to show their tits at mcdonalds to try and get free food, they picked those two?
I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!
Well, my breasts are swollen and I cried about the Iditarod. But I say PMS until proven pregnant.
Do you miss the park or do you miss us having sex in public?
All I want is to get as high as I did that time I started hallucinating that my brother was becoming a monkey and I saw my mum on every surface of your room.
Was i rolling around in a parking lot last night
I'm kinda glad you won't be in Vegas tomorrow because you'd make us go streaking or throw dead animals at them.
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
I know it's super late on a work night, but can you drop by and bend me over my new motorcycle? I have tequila and tacos...
Randomize
