I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
Come get meeee. I'm stranded in the middle of no where with Paul (?). I think u puked on his friend.
My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.
Someone told me that drinking would get me no where in life. Drinking has gotten me everywhere in life.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
I couldn't function. I was to the point where I was using a bottle cap as a monocle.
somehow I feel like "adventures with cocaine and molly" wouldn't be an appropriate "How I Spent My Spring Break" essay topic.
I wound up running down the street in 12 degree weather in just my bra and then fell asleep cuddling my bottle. You tell me how last night went.
He said he didn't want to go down on me so I told him we were going to have an oral stalemate.
Are you okay? You're not sitting at home on facebook. I'm worried about you.
Yeah, oh and the story gets better. His friend was dressed as a christmas tree wrapped in twinkle lights and had to plug himself in the wall all night.
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
I thought I was drunk because I kept grabbing his arm instead of his dick
But then I realized it wasn’t his arm and that I was very lucky
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