I might come over and watch a movie but I can't spend the night. my parents would wonder where i was
you're 26.
Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
You know you had a bad blackout when you forget you held the stanley cup.
Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.
Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
It's rum buckets o'clock
I hid a TracFone in her bra. We'll find her tomorrow.
Sexting is killing my work productivity but it's okay because I'm self-employed
I'm sitting alone in a bar pretending to watch football because I don't know where the liquor store is around here and I'll be god damned I'm going to be sober on my day off.
I say I'm working from home on conference call days, but really I just mute the phone, put that shit on speaker so I can hear what's going on, and let Marcus fuck my brains out.
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He woke me up holding a gallon of apple juice and a shot glass...
that blonde bartender and I racked up an impressive mini bar bill last night
Mini bar? Did you get a hotel room?
Yeah, the last thing I need right now is a chick with an insane clown posse tattoo knowing where I live
That’s legit
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