Last night while we were having sex, 'God bless the USA' started playing on his itunes. He came almost immediately... so awkward.
Fuck U Mike is a golden god.
Mike give steph back her phone.
and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening
hey remember that time we got really drunk, you tried to find narnia in my refrigerator and passed out in the freezer drawer??
no.
I think I'm dead. Why did I think it was a good idea to hang from the banister while someone poured liquor into my mouth?
My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?
It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?
Some might say its sad that I am willingly picking up a coke habit to be the skinniest bridesmaid... I think it shows my great dedication and proves I should have been maid of honor.
How does one chug a beer and swing the bottle at someone in a single motion? This guys a beer ninja man
Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.
That's better than I've done so far.
Our 450 pound cab driver smells like McDonalds and sunblock with a touch of vodka. Correction I smell like vodka.
I wish men found my impeccable aim when spitting into the sink attractive.
I was afraid someone would drug test my pants so you set them on fire.
How's dinner? Come here? You can bring your boyfriend if you're ok leaving without him
Who breaks their ankle the day before a beach wedding? This guy. Maybe this is karma for fucking someone's wife? Idk.
My boobs smell like weed again. This happens way too often.
Randomize
