And I wrote a rap so it was actually a productive afternoon minus not paying our bills.
You thought cars couldnt see you if you stuck your head in the mail box
about to tell this girl that sh'es my teenage dream. you have 15.358s to stop me.
The only thing I really remember is repeating "I hope I still have a job on Monday". Oh and pulling my boob out of my dress.
So I take it the company Christmas dinner went well then...
He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis
I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?
We were running down las vegas boulevard at 8:30 am with our beers cause we were late for our flight
it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.
Either I'm tripping balls or my dog has super powers.
i told myself when i was 16 i would never fuck an Alan. now i've fucked 3 and i'm punching my 16-year-old self in the face
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
He told me he was married and then fingered me on the kitchen counter. It was awkward to explaining the broken toaster to my roommates this morning...
There is absolutely a 0% chance my hips will make it out of this twerking business fully functional
It's 9:07 in the morning and I am so hungover right now I'm about to take the kids I'm babysitting to mf'ing Popeyes bc that's all I want in this world
"Why is there a bottle of Tequila taped to the fan?"
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