I'm so never shaving my vag in a target bathroom for him again.
I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country
From the trajectory of the puke, I must have fallen off the top bunk while trying to vomit, due to the dented bucket, ruined carpet, and bruised dignity I now own.
I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.
This may be hard to believe, but that wasn't the first time I was fingered under a snuggie
It's not
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
All you kept saying was, " Barack fucking Obama. FUCK Michelle" and then you motorboated me.
Bro if you don't text me back I'm gonna send you a picture of my nut sack every ten seconds for the rest of the night. I'm home alone with nothing to do. Don't push me.
That's fine. It's not illegal to bring ham into a museum.
While we were having sex he asked me if I wanted to get wingstop after. I think I found my future husband.
As much as my throat was opened up this weekend, you'd think I wouldn't nearly choke on a damn almond.
On a side note. I slept with a stuffed giraffe last night. Found it in my bed when I came home and snuggled with it. Drunk me reverted to being 2
and that's when you shouted "ahh motherland" as you streaked down hall 4B
I am witnessing a blind guy whip ass at beer pong
Randomize
