YOU GOT EVICTED FROM A TRAILER PARK!?!? WTF!!!!!
3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.
Give me one situation where peeing in your garage could be a bad idea
do people really wait til 5 oclock to start drinking in real life?
So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun
Why the FUCK can i grow hair on my big toes but not on my chest?
I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't
my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.
it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I feel like cursing someone's first born child right now. Like I wanna maleficent some bitch.
So I don't know, I'm not a doctor, but I might be juggling dates with 3 different guys...
I took a 19 year old to a strip club and ended up in a three way. Divorced life might be OK.
Not drinking until my bday. I know it's only a few days but it feels like when couples get celibate before the wedding and there's all that tension.
Randomize
