you know what i hate about salt? you can't see it.
Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home
hows a nice way to say "yeah i would go to your dorm, but it's snowing and I know you're not going to blow me, so what's the point"?
Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong
She told me her last name, which as you know is my #1 turn-off.
They way I see it is I've wasted 7 years of having these glorious tits. I only have about 3 good years left before idk kids or just gravity takes over and they don't look this nice so it's basically open season.
It's one PM on a Saturday and I'm sitting here drinking Jack, eating a block of cheese and playing Minecraft. Please tell me you can come drag me to a bar.
He broke into my house because he missed me. Then ends the relationship because I'm the needy one. Ironic much?
Would you consider masturbating to Hocus Pocus an adulthood high or low?
Nobody's dick fell into my mouth tonight
Don't forget to bring $1s for the strippers. Make it rain!!!!
Thanks, mom, will do
He's my blizzard buddy. We're blowing lines and doing a 3D game of thrones puzzle
Randomize
