hey call me
can't. in the shower.
... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.
My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?
I feel like I took a shit on my life and you're rubbing my nose in it.
did i really sing to your nipples last night?
yes. and it was oddly very seductive
I think he's hit rock bottom. You know it's a low point in life when you cry because you weren't invited to sit in a box car and watch porn with two other straight dudes.
You should have heard my farts after he left. I swear one of them was a demonic voice saying, "It's coming for you, Nicole. It's coming,".
she had a dildo shaped like a dolphin. she will forever be known as Flipper
He was telling me about how he's leaving on his Mission next week... While we were having sex in the back of his car.
The hat, the beard, the hard posing - like who does he think he is?
A bag of dicks
That's dating life
So I stole cocaine from one of my Tinder hookups
And that is the most millennial sentence I've ever said
Awake! can you bring me my pants...im under the couch
His sister hates me so I took his virginity on her bed
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
