WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!
I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.
Pretty sure I just had sex with the black kid who grew up in a car from "angels in the outfield"
How come I never meet celebrities?
You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"
... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace
How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?
I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.
He kissed my hand AND my forehead. I don't think this virginity business is for heartless whores like us.
Had a grope session with a girl who looked like my Mom and had the same name as her as well. I think therapy is in order.
I AM HANGING OUT WITH ADORABLE DOGS SURROUNDED BY NATURE. GOD BLESS AMERICA AND ALSO BYE CIVILIZATION AND PANTS.
Are you at a park?
I was thirsty after the sex and it was a long trek back to res so naturally I stole chocolate milk from his fridge as I left
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I mean. I just want to sit in my bed and eat bagels. What's wrong with that?
Binging muscle relaxers because when ur 33 you can no longer SHAKE IT LIKE A POLAROID PICTURE for 2hrs w/o consequences. Fuck you, Age.
Why the fuck am I at this dorm meeting? I don't pay $50,000 a year to stay sober.
Randomize
