He seemed more like the type to get donkey punched by a she-male hooker to me
so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it
bad decision saturdays are such a good decision
I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.
Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed
It was drunk tag. I was Alice in wonderland chasing a ballerina who was chasing Lance Armstrong who had needles in his arms.
I hope you have a dream of a sloth with my face touching you erotically
Date #3: He brought me a mason jar full of organic weed that he grew on his property. Will you be the witness when we sign our marriage license?
Have 7 min to kill while I wait for liquor store to open. Feels really awkward.
Omg my butt feels so much better. Those suppositories are magic. It feels like Jesus fingered me in my sleep.
Yeah well I just had an orgasm on my bathroom floor so there's a first for everything I guess
I think I'm dead. Also I think I stole $20 from a stripper.
You did. Then gave it to me.
She was sitting on the couch in his tux jacket...no pants, eating cold vegetable lasagna. Yet I'm the weirdo?
When we became besties with benefits we agreed I could still get dick
I didn't think I'd have to specify "not my Dad"
Tell me that I didn't just get ash in my Russian and just mix it TF in bc who cares and life has no meaning.
Randomize
